How Edward Cullen Changed My Life
by mrscullenxo5
Summary: I never thought that I would fall so easily, but Edward Cullen has a way of catching you off guard. A story of young love that was lost. Warning: No HEA and lemony bits.


**I should be update PTLBIHE regularly soon. I just really needed to get this off my chest. **

BPOV

How Edward Cullen Changed My Life-

(like I could forget…)

A Memoir

How to begin the story of my life altering relationship with Edward Cullen? Well, I guess I should begin by saying that it was definitely not love at first sight. It wasn't hate at first sight either; this isn't one of those kinds of stories. It may seem unrealistic and confusing, but I can only tell my side of the story, and eventually Edward's complex mind will come to light.

Now back to the beginning… I guess we can go way back to middle school when Edward moved to Forks. Now my parents were going through a divorce at the time, and I hardly paid any attention to the dorky new kid from Chicago when my world was crumbling around me. I wasn't a bitch by any stretch of the imagination, we just never happened to cross paths at all. I was pretty nice to everybody; not quite popular, but definitely not a nerd either. Everybody knew everybody in Forks, and I don't think many people had opinions of me. I was floating in the middle, and I would stay there indefinitely when my parent's divorce made me a little less anti-social. Renee started dating Phil quickly, and I was constantly going back and forth between houses trying to make Charlie feel less lonely.

Sorry, back to Edward; he's more important anyway. I always knew who he was, but never paid attention to him like _that_. He didn't really become attractive until Junior Year, but I didn't swoon immediately when that happened either. He grew to be well over six feet, and his shoulders broadened. His floppy hair grew out a little bit, always looking like a mess, and he had the most smoldering green eyes that you could never look away from. It wasn't until Senior Year that I began to take notice. Maybe I shouldn't have taken notice at all, and then my life would be so much simpler now. They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved. I'm still trying to figure out if I can say the same yet.

I had never really had a real boyfriend. Sure, I had kissed a few frogs, but I was still waiting to get intimate until I found my prince. I wasn't waiting until marriage; just somebody that I could look back and not regret having been with them.

Edward was in my advanced English class Senior Year. But, so was Jacob Black…. Jacob was captain of the wrestling team, and Edward was captain of the baseball team. I know, cliché. Girl likes athletes. My soft spot is for smart athletes, which is such a rare combination! The real question is which one of these lucky men would be my crush for the year. As previously stated, I never had a real boyfriend, but about once a year a lucky guy would catch my eye and be eye candy for the year. Guys didn't really like me, but it never hurt to look. My mom said that they were intimidated by my good looks and my indifferent attitude, but all moms have to say things like that to their daughters. I knew I was pretty, but I always thought of it as casually pretty. My brown hair and eyes didn't exactly scream "come hither."

So I guess you could say I "picked" Edward. He seemed more attainable, and definitely more approachable. But with Edward, I had an in. Alice. She was friends with Edward, and a part of his friend group so I was able to talk freely with her about him and get real information back. I know some of this might sound so "high school", and I'm all for boycotting the lame system in place, with the "talking" (which basically means texting each other exclusively before you go out on a real date), and the short relationships (because high schoolers can never stay together). I just wanted a genuine relationship, but all the damn boys were too immature!

One day while talking to Alice I became a bit too obvious about how much I thought Edward was attractive. Once, I "picked" him, I just kept staring, and liking.

Then, she said the words that I will never forget, the words that officially started this crazy relationship, "I can set that up for you if you want."

"Really?!"

I couldn't help but be excited. The prospect of a real boyfriend was in the imminent future!

I knew that I would have to hang out with that friend group and talk to him more for that to happen, but this was becoming a real possibility! Alice said that she didn't think he was "talking" (I really hate that phrase) to anybody and that he is pretty chill.

I went to lunch on cloud nine. I was finally going to have the opportunity that most other high school girls have already had since Freshman Year.

I went to tell my friends Jessica and Lauren about it, but as always, Jessica had to tell us all about her weekend first.

"So I went to this party with Melissa, and there were some hot guys there. One of them even asked for my number, and we just started talking! Guess who it is!"

Jessica talks to so many guys each month. I'm sure this one wouldn't last, but I had absolutely no idea. "Who?"

"Edward Cullen!"

I couldn't help it, hearing his name; it just popped right out of my mouth, "NO!"

Now, I'm never confrontational, and always let my friend have the guy. I'm not the cheating or selfish type, but this wasn't fair! I didn't even make it an hour without real life coming to bite me. I thought I was finally getting my turn, but I should have known better, good things never happen to me. This seemed too much like a movie, I couldn't believe it. But you can't make that shit up! That is how it actually happened, and my heart seemed to beat faster and slower at the same time.

Jessica and Lauren looked at me confused, and then Jessica said, "Yes…"

"But, but." Yes, I actually stuttered. Not my finest hour…

"What?"

"I was supposed to be set up with him!"

It might sound ridiculous, but I had already started to put my heart into being with him, and I was not expecting to be denied_ that _quickly.

"Well, I guess you were too late."

Now I always back down from guys, but something inside of me told me to hold on. She wouldn't stay with him for long, I just hoped that it ended quickly and she got with somebody else so I could have my turn. But is that what I really wanted? My_ turn_ with a guy?

I was getting emotional over somebody that I only talked to in class. This was crazy, I needed to get a handle on myself.

So I mourned in silence. The possibility of a relationship gone. Alice was shocked and said that Edward never talked about Jessica, but I didn't want to know. Thankfully, Jessica was nice enough to not talk about her relationship around me.

I still watched him, and felt an even worse longing knowing that I couldn't have him. It was so wrong. But one day, Jessica came to me and said that they didn't really work out and she gave me "permission" to go out with him. I thought she was a bitch, but nevertheless, I ran to Alice and operation Edward and Bella was back on. Edward told me later that he didn't like Jessica at all and they had only shared about ten text messages with each other. They weren't even close to "talking."

That being said, I'm not the most social person, but I can talk to most people and have very few enemies. At this point it was the beginning of December, and I had started talking to Ben more. He wasn't in Edward's immediate friend group, but he was one of his best friend's on the baseball team. They were still training, and saw each other every day.

I couldn't hold it in; I suck at keeping secrets. I told Ben that I was interested in Edward. He was really nice and smart in class, and I knew logically that I would have to get to know more about him before I actually "liked" him.

Like Alice, Ben was very eager to set me up with Edward as well. I guess it had been awhile since he was in a serious relationship, and they both thought that he was lonely and that I was a good fit for him.

By this time I had started hanging out with that group in the parking lot after school. I had yet to have a one on one conversation with Edward until Ben pointed out that I really needed to exchange words with him before a relationship could begin.

I stayed close to Alice and kept chickening out every time I was supposed to go talk to him.

One day, I finally plucked up the courage to talk to him. He was already talking to Emmett and Rosalie but I marched right up to him, and guess what I said. You would never get it, because it was the most stupid thing I have ever said in my life.

I walked up to the six foot five man that I had been thinking about for weeks and said, "One horse sized duck, or a thousand duck sized horses?"

Let's take a moment to let that idiocy sink in.

Yup, I said that.

As soon as the words were out I wanted to run away. I really hope he doesn't remember that.

"What?"

Of course he didn't understand, it was a stupid question. And now I was going to have to repeat myself.

I knew that he knew I was interested, and this was not a way to make an impression.

After I repeated myself like an idiot, he actually answered. Emmett too.

They both said a thousand duck sized horses, which by the way, is the opposite of what I would say.

And so it began. I would talk to Edward everyday in the afternoon.

It was two days before winter break and Ben told me to make sure that I talked to Edward that day.

My mind was swirling. Why would I need to talk to him? I do every day, what would make this occasion different? Then it hit me. The exchanging of the phone numbers was about to occur!

Imagine my surprise when we had the same old boring conversation about his baseball training. Of course I was over thinking…

But then why would Ben say something?

"So why exactly was I supposed to talk to Edward yesterday?"

"You mean he didn't do it?"

"Do what?"

"Ask for your phone number?"

My heart skipped a beat. I was right! He _was_ going to ask. But then why didn't he? Was I so lame that he decided in that conversation with me that he actually didn't want it?

This guy was turning my insides into goo. Ben assured me that he would ask, but it was about to be winter break. I didn't want to go a whole week without talking to him and lose all of the progress that we made.

So as we were talking in the parking lot after school, and he announced that he had to go to baseball, again without having asked for the number, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I decided that the old rules of guys having to ask girls important questions didn't matter, and I decided that I didn't want to leave that day without his number.

As he was turning to leave, "Wait," came out of my mouth.

There is something about this guy that takes away my ability to control my mouth.

Oh well, I had already committed. "Would you maybe want to hang out some time?"

There, I said it, and there was no turning back. And as typical as it sounds, that was one of the longest seconds of my life.

"Yes, actually I would. Can I have your number?"

I let out a breath and stumbled with switching phones and putting my number into his. With how much I had been waiting for this, you wouldn't think that I would almost accidently put my mother's number in there, but I did. Don't worry, I fixed it before it saved.

I waited until after I knew he would be home from baseball to text him. And then he answered, and my heart skipped a beat. I think my heart did that every time we texted through our whole relationship.

Now we didn't have just a texting relationship, but we did that a lot. We would text and snap chat at the same time having two conversations at once. I never knew a guy could give me as much attention as Edward was giving me, and I never knew that I would respond like such a typical girl to it.

I prided myself on not getting offended when he didn't respond, or letting him hang out with his friends, or letting him sleep when he was tired. I wasn't changing for him, but I was just glad that a guy was realizing my awesome personality. Plus I could talk baseball with him for hours from the knowledge that I got from my father. But, all of this is later.

Our first "outing" was so awkward. We hugged when we met at the bowling alley, but it wasn't a date because I paid and Alice tagged along. Throughout the night he put his arm closer and closer around my back until he was holding me. I wanted to chuckle at his behavior, but I enjoyed it.

The next week were exams and I asked him to study with me. I told people we were going to study and they all said "Oh, _study_?"

We were at Starbucks, and I had actually planned on studying! I even brought all of our notes for English and everything. However, we got off topic and just talked for hours. My crush became even worse when I realized that Edward and I had a lot in common.

He walked me to my car and gave me a hug goodbye. After I got into my old red pickup, it stalled. I didn't mean to act like such a girl, but I called him to come and look at it.

Now I want to preface this next part by saying that I don't swear to God, unless it is 100 percent true. It started to rain and he followed me home to make sure I got there okay. We discovered that we only live two blocks away, but then again, everything is close in Forks. I parked the truck, thankful that I got home without any more issues, and I ran over to the window of his Volvo to thank him. I leaned in the car to hug him again as a goodbye, but he pulled my face to him and started to kiss me. I swear to God, I had my first kiss with the delicious Edward Cullen while rain was falling down on me.

I smelled like coffee, and Edward doesn't even like coffee, so I was a bit self-conscious about that. But then, we kept kissing. I couldn't stop, it was so amazing. What I thought was going to be a hug, and then maybe a peck was quickly turning into so much more. Our tongues danced together, and it was raining. I was having a kiss in the rain, and it was just as hot as the movies portrayed it! It was then that I realized that I would never get enough of Edward Cullen. Every time I kissed him, it was almost impossible to stop. And this first kiss was wonderfully unexpected, and I was so glad I had an old car, because if I hadn't then I would have had to wait longer for that perfect kiss.

We finally pulled apart, and I had to wipe the side of my mouth. It wasn't gross, but I was about to face my mother, and didn't want to evidence to still be on the corner of my mouth. We both had goofy grins as he drove away.

I always wondered what he thought about when he laid in his bed that night, because all I did was replay the kiss in my head over and over, just picturing the way he was the one who tilted his head and initiated our relationship. He initiated everything in our relationship. Everything from the first time we had oral sex to our tragic end.

However, at this point in time, Edward and I had a problem. We could not stop kissing each other. I don't know about him, but kissing him was like a drug that I could never get enough of. We didn't have many gentle kisses. We didn't kiss in public, and on the rare occasions that we did it was just a quick peck. When we were alone it was a different story; we went at it like teenagers. I don't know what it was about Edward Cullen, but he turned my into a needy slut in just a few short weeks. I don't think he minded though, because I was his needy slut.

At the start of the second semester everybody changed seats in class, and I sat behind him. I would constantly blow cool air on his neck so that he would remember that I was there. We started spending a lot more time together, and he decided that we wanted me to get better acquainted with his friends. There was supposed to be this dance (that Edward and I weren't planning on attending) that got cancelled because of snow, and his friends had made dinner reservations at The Lodge and invited us to tag along. I guess this was our first official date, which seems weird because we had already had our tongues down each other's throats several times already, but it was a fun time. Alice wanted to take pictures because we were all dressed up, and I stood next to Edward with the biggest smile on my face. He told me that I had my hand on his butt, and I grew very embarrassed. I thought it was his waist; he is just so damn tall. He just chuckled and told me that he liked it. With his crooked grin, I was a goner anyway.

It was in class that week that we watched a movie. The TV was at an angle in the corner of the classroom, so Edward turned in his seat to have a better view of it. Throughout the movie his hand slowly crept onto my desk, and his palm was facing up. I almost giggled at his attempts at hand holding, but I complied and we started holding hands after that. Except for in a crowd of people, because that can be obnoxious.

Around this time was the super bowl, and we were invited to his friend's house for a party. Even though he never "officially" asked me to be his girlfriend, he didn't need to. We knew what we were, and other people were realizing it too, and inviting us to things as a couple and referring to me as Edward's girl.

I loved being Edward's girl.

We sat around a big fire pit and watched the game on a projection screen. It was when the lights went out in the stadium and we had extra time to just sit there that I discovered my secret power…

I have very soft hands, and medium length nails. The perfect combination for scratching Edward's neck. The more I did this, the more he moaned low in my ear. I developed techniques while waiting for the game to restart, and figured out what exactly made him tick. I attempted to talk to others around me so that they wouldn't realize that I was turning my boyfriend on in front of them. I never relented my scratching and he kept telling me how good it felt while his hot breath coated my ear.

I have never held that much power over a man, and I reveled in it. When the game was over we rushed to find a place to park. I only had half an hour until my curfew.

It was the first time I could tell that my boy was horny, and boy was he horny. As always, our kisses escalated quickly, but there was something different in the air this time. Our kisses were not enough over the consul and he started to pull me into his seat. I had intended on straddling him, but he pulled me over and had me pinned to the window so fast that I just had to keep my legs draped over the seat.

Now, I would like to remind you again that Edward Cullen turns me into a slut. After only having kissed other guys, I had no idea where this strong desire was coming from. I could feel his hand creeping up to cup my breast, but he hesitated. I needed to feel him, so I grabbed his hand and put it there myself. After one squeeze he looked at me with the most lust filled eyes that I had ever seen in my entire life and growled, "Back seat."

I flew into the back seat and he was over me in a second. I would also like to say that Edward Cullen is a boob man. This will be much more apparent later, but he is the biggest boob man ever. If my boobs were any smaller than the 34C that they were at, he would have probably left me. No joke.

When we were in that back seat, he squeezed them like there was no tomorrow. I gave him a hand job that night, and it was the only hand job I ever gave him, because let's be honest. Guys have been jerking off for years, and they can do it much better than you can. He fingered me, and I didn't get off, but I felt quite fulfilled afterward. This is also where we realized that I get hickeys very easily. He didn't care because he had his mark on me, and I was never so grateful for having long thick hair to stay close to my neck.

I was five minutes late for curfew, and Edward swore that wouldn't happen again (it did; we got carried away a lot).

Here is where we really started to become a couple. It was Valentine's Day, and as always, there is pressure everywhere to be with somebody. I had never done anything special on Valentine's Day before and it was looking like I wasn't going to this year either. I had to stay after school to help a teacher for awhile, and Edward had a long baseball practice. I was really okay with this, and decided that I was going to have a microwave dinner, and watch The Proposal while my parents went out to eat. I should have hung out with Charlie, but thinking back, that would have been even more lame.

Edward started texting me around seven o'clock telling me that he had just taken a shower and that he was tired. But then, our conversation grew a bit suspicious…

**If you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be? –E**

_I don't know, I already know what crappy food I'm having for dinner. ~B_

** Well I can't decide what to eat. –E**

_So you want me to tell you an awesome food while I eat my gross microwave dinner? ~B_

**Whatever B, I guess I'm getting pizza. –E**

_Yum, have fun eating that. ~B _

I really didn't think that much of our conversation, and ate my dinner while watching my movie. Then, there was a knock at my door and I instantly started to get clammy hands, and my stomach was dropping like I was on a roller coaster. Who else would be knocking on my door at eight on Valentine's Day?

I ran over to the door and threw it open. And he was standing in the doorway, holding a box of pizza. I had never been this surprised before, and I can't begin to tell you how special I felt.

"You're here!"

"I wouldn't leave you alone on Valentine's Day."

I quickly pulled him inside, and yanked his head down so my mouth could reach his. The stupid pizza box was getting in the way and so I dragged him to the kitchen and put the box on the counter. We both took a moment to look at each other, and then we both attacked.

I was just over a foot shorter than him, and it was getting in the way of the hungry kisses that we were trying to achieve. He decided to remedy this by picking me up in the middle of the kitchen. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and I never felt more alive.

He walked us over to the couch in the living room and plopped me down on it. I took the pony tail holder out of my hair, and he lay down on top of me.

I couldn't stop clawing at his back, and I wanted to run my hands under his shirt, but I quickly stopped.

He looked like a sad puppy when I told him that my parents could be home at any minute and I didn't want to start something that I couldn't finish. He left before they got home after we talked for a little bit, with the promise that there would be a surprise tomorrow.

We had grown used to spending at least one day during the weekend together, and Friday was our day this week. Now, normally I am pretty good at getting people to tell me anything that I want, but he wouldn't budge.

However, these were just words; when it came to my body, I was unstoppable. So in the parking lot after school I was sitting in the back of his open trunk (something that had become a daily occurrence) and had him captured between my legs. All of his friends were off talking to other people and I begged him to tell me what we are doing.

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Because I want it to be a surprise."

"Well, you already surprised me by planning it, but now you can tell me."

"Why would you want to ruin it?"

I pulled him down to me, and we were barely secluded. It was one of the slowest kisses that we had. I was drawing them out and teasing him as I moved my lips down his neck. He took a shaky breath and then said, "Fine!"

I smiled at my victory and then he told me that we were going to the eat in movie theatre that I had never been to in Port Angeles and we were going to see that new comedy that had just come out.

Do you want to know something that made Edward Cullen even more perfect? He had already seen the movie a week ago with his friends, but he knew how much I wanted to see it and took me to watch it again. He was so selfless in his feelings for me that I couldn't believe it. I don't think that most of my good friends would do that, or cared about me that much.

Let's just say that I was very appreciative and that date ended with me receiving head for the first time, giving head for the first time, a broken bra, and I kid you not, five fucking hickeys on my neck! The makeup wouldn't help at all and I had to wear my hair down and wavy for a week straight. I saw the glint in his eye every time he got a glimpse at my neck. He was proud of his handiwork, and knew that everybody would know what we did and that I was his.

After that we didn't go into the back of his car much. We had met each other's families and our new spot was in his bonus room. We had a lot of sexy times in his bonus room, and when baseball season started, we would do stuff in my room before every game.

I remember one time we were in the bonus room, and we were just talking. He had his head on my chest using my breasts as a pillow and was pinning me to the couch.

"Am I crushing you?"

"No; it's a good kind of weight."

I didn't want him to move because I felt so comfortable. I was rubbing light circles on his back wishing that we could stay there forever.

"You rub my back a lot."

"Do you not like it?" I enjoyed it, and I hope he did to.

"I was just wondering if you were trying to make me feel relaxed or if you're just rubbing it subconsciously."

"I never really thought about it, my hand just kind of does it."

"I like that."

"What do you mean Edward?"

He picked his head up, and his smoldering green eyes met mine. "I like that your body knows what my body needs."

I pulled his face to mine and kissed him fiercely. His parents called up and said it was time for me to go though, so I would have to repay him for his beautiful words later.

I loved his parents, but I wasn't sure if they loved me. My mother was obsessed with him and said that he was one of the best things that happened to me. We had family game night with each other's families and I never felt happier than when I was bantering with Mr. Cullen about Edward.

He got sick a little after that and it killed me not being near him. My body had grown so used to having his around that I just needed a little taste.

"I need you to kiss me."

"You'll get sick; are you crazy?"

"I never get sick. I need it!"

He sighed and kissed me. It was more of a prolonged peck, but it was just enough to satisfy my urge. It was also just enough to get me sick.

I went to his house the next day and we were both sick as we watched Harry Potter. He gave me water and I thought that it had soap in it, but I didn't say anything. It wasn't until after I finished it that I realized he had put lemon in my water. Shows how classy I am; I'm not used to having a little lemon in my water. But while I was sitting there feeling miserable I decided to joke with him and said, "Well, at least you can't really tell I have boobs right now, so you won't get riled up."

I was wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans. So imagine my surprise when he takes my hand and puts it on his very hard cock.

"I can still tell they're there Bella."

I let him suck on my nipples because I knew that he loved doing that and it wasn't like we could get sicker than we already were. However, I wouldn't do more. We were in his living room, not the bonus room and his mother could come down at any minute. She could go into the bonus room too, but at least that had a door.

I felt bad making him go to bed with his gun loaded, but he never had to do it that often, and it was his own fault anyway.

We even went on a double date with Alice and Jasper that led to a fingering in the bonus room that left me sore for days. It was also the day that I gave him the fastest blow job ever. We had fifteen minutes before I had to be home, so only five remaining minutes at his house. I told him he couldn't finish, because he had surprising stamina for somebody that received head for the first time the same night that I did.

"Trust me Bella, I'll finish."

And finish he did, all over my breast. That was the most common place he liked cum when it wasn't down my throat, which I was able to do successfully after two tries.

Now this is where the tragedy begins. I look back to a week before my heartbreak, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I still don't have an answer to that question.

A week before my world came crumbling down, and I was on cloud nine, everything was going well. I should have known that I never have that much luck and that nothing every goes right for me.

Edward had a baseball game, which meant doing the nasty at my house before hand. He needed to use the bathroom, but I rushed upstairs and waited in my bed for him. I knew he would find his way up here. I thought about undressing and being totally naked when he walked in, but I knew how much he loved to undress me. I personally loved watching him undress himself. It was so sexy!

He walked through my doorway and began loosening his tie. The boys had to dress up on game days, and it made me weak in the knees. He slowly began unbuttoning his shirt, and I was content to just sit and watch. When he pulled his white t-shirt over his head, I almost died. No really, my heart stopped and I started to drool.

He noticed and took a step closer to the bed and pulled me to him. He almost tore off my shirt and I threw off my tank that I was wearing. He began to shimmy my pants down my legs and I took off my bra for him. He dove at pussy and began licking frantically. It was torture, but I loved it. I began playing with my tits because I knew how much he loved that and he added a finger to the mix. I couldn't help it, I was moaning so loud and I knew I couldn't hold it in. He added another finger and I was a panting mess. I was gone in about three minutes; I needed that orgasm fast.

I flipped Edward over and stared down at his gorgeous body for a moment. This was mine. I ran my hands down his beautiful chest, and pulled the remaining articles of clothing from his body and rested my hands on his muscular thighs. Then I brought my head down to his cock and began sucking quickly. He was letting out a bunch of incomprehensible moans, and I loved making him feel this way.

He decided that he wasn't done with me and leaned forward to begin rubbing circles around my wet clit. I couldn't concentrate and had to stop to take a breath, but he just started pumping his fingers into me faster.

"I can't keep going with you doing that," I panted into his neck.

I tried to keep rubbing him, but it was becoming erratic, so I moved my hand to his thigh and squeezed with one hand while I scratched at his back with the other. I was screaming now, and didn't care. I had a second Earth shattering orgasm in ten minutes. Normally I'm a one and done gal, but something had gotten into Edward. I eagerly finished him off and swallowed every last drop.

I laid down on the bed with him resting most of his weight on me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and just stared at him for a moment. We were both spent, and I don't know what caused me to do it, but I grabbed his penis and brought it straight to my center.

He looked at me with wide eyes for a moment.

"Do you want me to put it in?"

He didn't ask overly eager or shocked. Well, maybe a little shocked, but he was actually wondering if I was ready to have sex at that moment.

I didn't think I was, but I knew I would be in the upcoming future.

"No. I just wanted to know what it would feel like."

We both got up and put our underwear back on before climbing back in bed. I was lying across his broad chest when he said, "God, I can't wait to have sex with you."

I looked up into his eyes and said, "Soon."

He had been wanting a nude picture of me and was trying to take one, but I kept swatting him away. I trusted him, but he was still a teenage boy and I didn't want that going anywhere. This led to a wrestling match for his phone where he accidently pressed the record button, and we were able to replay our faux fight where he said I was surprisingly strong and to not kick the family jewels because I liked them so much.

We were so carefree and playful that I could never imagine that it was about to end.

He had to pry me off of him to leave for his game and I couldn't wait to go. I went with Alice and Rosalie and watched our boys win their game.

I waited for Edward after the game was over and he had finished talking to his coach.

I called him over to my car and talked to him for a minute before he leaned in for a hug and I stole a kiss on the cheek.

When I got home after dropping off Alice and Rose I looked at my phone and saw a text from Edward.

**Why would you kiss me? I'm all dirty from my game! Are you crazy? –E**

_Hey! I had to sit and watch your baseball game in the cold, and you worked hard. I think we both deserved a kiss, and it was just on the cheek. I don't care that you were sweaty; I always want to kiss you. ~B_

**Well, then I'm sorry. If I had known that I would have given you a real kiss ;) –E**

_Don't worry about it babe, I'll see you tomorrow! ~B_

I had a very busy weekend and didn't get a chance to see him, but we texted like always. He was a little off on Tuesday night and Wednesday, but I attributed that to the fact that they lost their baseball game and he was beating himself up about it.

That is one personality flaw with Edward. He beats himself up over everything, even things that he didn't have to. He just piles it all on his shoulders until it becomes too much and he has to eliminate something, eliminate me.

I remember our last kiss. I thought he was getting sick. He was laying in the back of his car after school on Wednesday and I could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to pressure him if he didn't feel like talking, so I asked him a Physics question.

Edward loved Physics and would go on and on about it forever. It wasn't really my thing, but hearing him sound like a dork and talk about it with such enthusiasm made my insides warm and I'm pretty sure he felt better after.

I was about to head to my car when I realized that I hadn't kissed him in awhile. His head was down because he thought that I was leaving, and he was sitting up now with his legs out the door.

"Hey," I said in a soft whisper.

He looked up at me and I couldn't help but stare deeply into his eyes. He still looked upset and for the first time since we got together, I had no idea what he was thinking.

I leaned in and gave him a quick peck and told him to feel better. If I had known that was going to be our last kiss I would have made it last so much longer. If I had known that he was going to end it, I would have made it so passionate that he would realize that he couldn't live without me.

He was off again the next day. I didn't think too much of it. He had been mad at me for going on vacation with my father for spring break which started the next day. He was sad that I was "leaving" him.

I think back to that and almost laugh because it was him who left me. This was really from out of left field because we had just had one of the best sexual experiences of my life a week earlier, and he had only been off for two days!

He told me at lunch that he wanted to meet me at my car instead of his that afternoon. I knew something was up. For the entire end of the day I was a bucket of nerves. I thought I was jumping to conclusions. There was no way that he could break up with me. Why would he? We were so good. But what else could it be. He must not like me anymore or thing I'm pretty. I should have kept dressing pretty and not gotten lazy. But that really can't be what's happening. I'm over-reacting.

I had to drive Lauren home from school that day so I let her in my car and said, "Edward is going to break up with me."

"What why?"

"I don't know."

Even as I said the words I didn't actually believe them. She sat in my car and I stepped a few feet away and saw Edward approaching. He was looking down at his feet as he walked and when he reached me, neither one of us said anything. He took a breath but didn't speak.

I wasn't going to say anything. If he was going to break up with me, then he had to do it himself. I held on to my last shred of hope that I was just being crazy until he looked at me with the most pained expression I had ever seen and said, "Bella, this isn't working."

How the hell was it not working? What the fuck did I do wrong in the last week to lead to this? I'm not sure what exactly came out of my mouth but I somehow remained standing.

I wanted so desperately to get into the fetal position and cry. My legs were shaking and I almost sat down. This was actually happening.

I really didn't want to flip out, even though my life was changing drastically in mere seconds. I hated change, and the consistency of Edward was too much to lose. He had become everything.

I was wearing his sweatshirt, and I took it off as gracefully as possible and handed it back to him. Only two tears fell from my eyes, until I got in the car after he left and began dry-heaving and shaking because I was crying so much as snot dripped down my face.

"Well now you can hook up with a bunch of people over spring break because I won't be here, so that's good."

I never screamed, and I remained as calm as possible even though I was dying inside.

He looked at me like I had punched him in the gut. You don't get to look at me like that after what you just did to me!

"If you really think that I'm that type of person then maybe you don't know me at all."

"I do know you. Or at least I thought I did, which is why I am so confused as to why you're doing this."

That's all that I could say for the next week on my spring break. I don't understand.

I would cry myself to sleep at night. I didn't know you could actually cry until you fell asleep from exhaustion, but I did. I would cry randomly throughout the day, and it was awful. I lost weight because my stomach was in knots and I didn't feel like eating. I was so miserable.

I had to pull myself together. It was the longest that I been without talking to him for months, but when I went back to school I looked good. Not great or bad, just good. I wanted to look like I wasn't trying too hard, but I think everyone knew that I was.

He sat in front of me and we barely talked. School ended and it was better when he wasn't right in front of me every day.

When he broke up with me he said that he was "stressed out" with everything going on. He had baseball, school, getting into college, and he couldn't handle me too. He didn't feel like he was giving me enough attention, and that we should just end it because he wasn't giving our relationship a hundred percent. I thought that was bullshit. It wasn't like I was a high maintenance girlfriend, but I thought that was what relationships were about anyway. Making sacrifices to be together. I guess I wasn't enough for him to try to figure it out for. I don't think that his reasoning makes a lot of sense, and I guess I will never know the real reason behind his breaking my heart.

Maybe it was the fear of falling for me, or sex since he was a virgin too, although that seems a bit farfetched. Maybe he didn't want a long distance relationship in college. Whatever the real reason was, I don't think I'll ever know, and that is what makes it so hard to move on. We were progressing so much. We almost had sex! If I had said yes when he asked then I wouldn't be a virgin anymore. That's another thing that sucks. I had mentally prepared to lose my virginity to Edward, and it was about to happen, but it didn't.

I still think about it happening sometimes. If he would come up to me and say that he is sorry and he loved me and that's why he left I would take him back. He was never mean to me, or cheated on me, and I still cared about him. I know it is pathetic, but I would take him back in a heartbeat and make the sweetest love to him that he would never think about leaving again, even if he thought it was for the "best."

So that's it, my relationship with Edward in a nutshell. Maybe he was just a feather blowing in the wind that I wasn't supposed to pick up when it stopped at my feet. Maybe he was preparation for the serious relationships that college would bring. But all I know is that it is the summer before college starts, and my two and a half month relationship has left me more lonely than I have ever been and more lonely than anybody would ever know. It might not have been that long, but only I can understand what we shared. He trusted me more than most of his friends. His friends didn't know that he wanted to go to UCLA for college or that he wanted to become an engineer. They didn't know important things like how Mrs. Cullen left for a few weeks because she had a miscarriage and Edward has never been able to fully trust her for abandoning him after she came back. He trusted me, talked to me about everything, and he was a gentleman that held my door open and was a smart athlete and now he's gone. Forever.

I used to read books alone in my room all the time before _him_ and not be bothered by it. But now, everything I read and see reminds me of him. I see a Volvo driving by and I flinch. The worst part is that I never told him that I loved him. It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but I didn't even realize until it was over. My heart kept hurting, and I knew it was because I loved him and lost him. He was the one that got away, my first love.

**I would really love to hear your thoughts. **


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